Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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