i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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