I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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