Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
