Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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