so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
