In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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