No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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