Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
