Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
