He uses pillows to masturbate.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
