Just mADE A PArabola og urine
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
