ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Randomize
