Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
