Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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