This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
