just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
