I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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