Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He felt like a one man threesome
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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