i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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