wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
