Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
