being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
my nose is crying tears of wow.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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