Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
