I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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