dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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