areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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