I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
