somebody snuck up and got me drunk
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
