Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
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Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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