i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
