so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
