Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Randomize
