She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
