I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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