My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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