I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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