I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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