the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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