Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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