dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
