I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
