I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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