I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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