the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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