I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
