If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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