i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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