Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
