Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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