I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
