im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You've changed since you got that strap on
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
