You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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