last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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