He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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