I can tuck mytits in my pants
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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