Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
