I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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